I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
