Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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