I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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