Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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