Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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