u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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