Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
