he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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