the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
