Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
