Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
