whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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