they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
