it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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