I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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