Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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