How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
