I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Ketchup is God's man juice
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
