So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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