Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
