I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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