dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
