i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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