My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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