woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
