Pants 0. Shit 1.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
His hands were made for my vagina.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize