All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
