Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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