you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
