The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Everything about him screamed your future.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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