this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
