someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
