I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
