If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
