you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
