If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
