god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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