If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
