i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
