Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
