Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
