You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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