That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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