my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
