This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
