That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
