Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
