No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
