Pants 0. Shit 1.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
