grandma shit on top of the toilet
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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