Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
