My cat gives me a boner
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
